In your old kit bag

If you're looking for useful information, skip this post. If you're in a snarky mood this Friday afternoon, keep reading.

I was just reading the latest weekly USAC News Brief, and I got to the part that said, " What should I bring with me to the training?" and I thought, "I'll tell you what to bring." My list would include:

• Rotten tomatoes.
• The Star Trek Universal Translator. How else will you know that "Costs of the products and services are significantly higher than the costs generally available in the applicant’s marketplace for the same or similar products or services" really means, "More cable drops than we think you need."
• One of those Mission Impossible rubber masks. When you ask a question, and you're told, "No, that isn't allowed," you'll fall into the trap of saying, "But we've always done it that way." Think about what you just told USAC. You want to be wearing a mask when you say that. And someone else's name tag.
• A suitcase and a briefcase. Since the answer to most questions is, "That would be decided on a case by case basis," it just seems prudent to have the cases handy.
• A comb. That way after you tear your hair out, you can do a Donald Trump swoop to cover the problem.
• I would say caffeine, since some of the sessions tend to drag, but USAC is actually pretty good about keeping the stimulants flowing. [Which is really nice of them, considering that every year I see at least one over-stimulated audience member fly off the handle.]
• Binoculars. The Renaissance Capital View Hotel is at the airport, across the river and 3 miles from the capital, so you'll need binoculars to view the capital.
• Index cards. They only give you two, and really, are there only two things about this program that you find incomprehensible?